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These Coconut Haystacks Are Made With Love

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These Coconut Haystacks Are Made With Love

A Bitterly Toxic Relationship: What happened when a doe-eyed people-pleasing co-dependent (PP) married a handsome brown-eyed son of a woman who could not be pleased (Toxic Mom). PP had no boundaries, no voice, and no coping skills for dealing with a Toxic Mom, but she vowed to make Toxic Mom love her. She did not know this would lead to perpetual hurt. When Toxic Mom did not love her,  PP did what she knew best. She complained to her friends and tried even harder. Crazy right? This went on for a long time.

Help Was Not On The Way

PP didn’t know about the Al-Anon practice of placing toxic people the farthest back possible in the balcony of your life. Instead, PP insisted Toxic Mom had a front row seat for her every performance. Bad idea. No matter how hard PP tried to be the perfect daughter she never received the love and appreciation she craved. Matters did not improve when a grandson came into the picture. Oh, the mistakes PP made. She was criticized by Toxic Mom in every way.

If Only Someone Had Told PP That Toxic Mom’s Opinion Was None Of Her Business

Finally an amazing thing happened. PP finally discovered Al-Anon, Celebrate Recovery and other 12 step programs that put perspective back her life. Don’t even ask how such things as finding hope like this happen. Maybe PP was finally ready to look at herself. The 12 steps did seem very daunting at first and PP could hardly understand the language. But she is a good co-dependent and tried harder. In less than a year PP was able to overcome the dynamic that had caused her so much pain for so long. PP learned that she was in the driver’s seat of her own feelings. She stopped caring about what Toxic Mom (and other difficult people) thought about her. 

Culinary Warfare Comes To An End

Every Christmas Toxic Mom made coconut haystacks for her son. She made them for his birthday, and she gladly shared the “recipe” with PP. Sadly PP’s cookies never turned out quite as good.  “Perhaps it was too humid,” Toxic Mom said.

The “recipe” was lost when Toxic Mom passed, and PP never found it, even though she diligently searched the Internet for it. PP did find a tastier, sweeter and easier to make recipe that satisfies everyone. And here it is.

Not Toxic Mom’s Coconut Haystacks

Spray a cookie sheet with non-stick oil.

In a large bowl, combine:

  • 3 cups of Quick Cook Oats
  • 1 cup of Coconut

Mix and set aside.

In a sauce pan, combine:

  • 1 stick of butter
  • 1 ¾ cups of sugar
  • ½ cup of bittersweet cocoa
  • ½ cup of milk

Cook on medium-high heat, constantly stirring. When the sauce reaches a rolling boil, start a timer and continue cooking for 1 ½ minutes.

Remove from heat and stir in oats and coconut. Scoop onto cookie sheet. Let cool – or not – and eat. Best served with milk and without expectations or resentment.

Reach Out Recovery Exclusive by Pam Carver  



Pam is the author of Co-dependent In The Kitchen, and she's a contributing editor for Recovery Guidance. She's a recovery advocate who likes long walks on the beach and chocolate.

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