Blaming others keeps you stuck and hurts everyone
Are you’re guilty of blaming others for everything that goes wrong your world? If so, you’re not alone. It’s natural to want to hold someone accountable for disasters that are out of our control. But how is that helpful? Who can you blame for a hurricane? What about sickness in the family or in the world?
Are you ranting right now at someone because of the year of the pandemic? We all suffered from Covid lockdowns, financial deprivation, loss of work, change of work. And the devastating illness and death themselves. We’re not over it by any means, but Covid and natural disasters are not the only things out of our control. Family dysfunction and addiction are also challenging to our emotional wellbeing. Here’s where we tend to get toxic.
We live in a culture that focuses on blame and victimization. Dr. Caroline Myss, author of The Creation of Health, refers to this as an attitude of “woundology” where our emphasis in life is about all the wounds we have and how others have wounded us throughout our life span – parents, teachers, coaches, partners, children, friends, employers and co-workers, and religious institutions.
Blaming others is a sure way to damage relationships
Our very society has a tendency to blame. Everything relationship failure has a cause, and we need to put a spotlight on the other person. But what happens to us when we do that? When you cling to victimization In personal relationships, you make yourself powerless. It allows you to focus on blaming everything and everyone around you. It is so much easier to blame others than to take responsibility for what’s happening to us. Did you know that until you stop blaming others, your energy will be negatively focused, keeping you trapped in unhealthy thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Do you know why you are blaming others?
How to stop blaming others and restore your power
Admit you have a tendency to blame
If you’re a blamer, own it. We’re not kidding here. Do you point fingers at everyone around you? Then you’re part of the problem. When you admit that you play the blame game you can examine the reasons and plan your recovery. Admitting you’re a player doesn’t make you a bad person, it just means you need to think about it and fix it to have better relationships.
Examine your reasons for blaming others
Here are some: Your bother hit you when you were a kid; Your spouse/lover/child is a substance user and is abusive; your boss under values and under pays you; your mother never supported you. No one loves you. You do all the work. Are these reasons you blame others for your pain?
What to do if abuse is the current problem
Take action to put a support system in place (call 911 if you are in danger right now. Call the domestic violence hotline for advice. Join a support group to explore what’s happening. Think about ending the relationship instead of blaming others for what’s wrong with it. As we’ve discussed in other articles, yes means yes and no means no. Setting boundaries makes for healthy relationships.
When your situation is the problem
Here’s where you can examine whether you want to continue within this situation. For example, if you work situation is difficult, maybe it’s time to look for another job. Looking for a job doesn’t mean you have to leave, it gives you new options and things to think about.
You don’t have to forgive to let go
If you have suffered from a horrible events at the hands of others, it is normal to blame those who hurt you. Real crimes need accountability. if you’re hurt by family members, you can wish for that person to be held accountable for the damage. But you’re not in control of accountability. You are in control of your own power to heal, and you don’t have to forgive to make that happen. The way to work through traumas is accept what happened and focus on what you can do to heal.
Create a list for journaling your feelings
Who and what do you blame for your problems? This goes along with examine your reasons. But here you’re actually writing memos to yourself. What are the reasons for your hurt or anger? Which relationships, people and situations are you blaming, and for what? Here’s where you can explore your feelings and begin thinking about how you can take care of yourself. Others may have hurt you, but you are the one who’s carrying the pain. If you’re still carrying the pain, you are the one with the problem. You’re continuing to hurt yourself.
End the destructive dynamic of blaming others
Others are not the cause of your problems. This is amazing but true. Whatever happened to you, or is happening now, you play a part in the destructive dynamic. Examine how you are contributing to the problems in your life by your daily thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Are you a blamer in every situation instead of seeing your part?
Banish the negative energy that keeps you stuck
Since thoughts/feelings/behaviors are energy, this energy can be creative or damaging; it’s up to you. By letting go of blame, you can become more powerful with healing energy.
Focus on your successes
This may seem impossible. Here are some ways to feel the success: Do positive self talk. Imagine yourself not complaining, blaming, being overly sensitive or reactive. You can make a vision board of what your new and more accepting self looks like. Visualize your changed behavior without the vision board. Think of situations where you reacted in a negative way in the past and play the scene over with a better ending. You can see how different behavior can bring a different result.
Utilize healthy coping skills
Read, write, exercise, play and have fun, treat yourself to a nice meal, splurge on a dessert, go on vacation, play online games, go to a movie, join a choir, dance, go to a spiritual service, and/or help others. By doing so, your focus is on the positive, not the negative.
Focus on understanding
Where others’ are in their process and accept that all relationships struggle at times. If necessary, understand that whatever you do to improve your attitude and behavior, others you care about may not be able to change. Then you have to make decisions about what’s best for your mental health.
Make apologies/amends to those you have hurt. Blamers are often people who hurt others. If your blame is of the cutting, mean and hurtful kind, telling others that you understand what you’ve done and are sorry. relationships will either improve or end.
Use the Serenity Prayer (if it fits for you and/or substitute the word God for something that matches your belief):
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Counseling can make all the difference in getting unstuck and healthy. Find a counselor or therapist to get help.
By utilizing the above techniques, you will find yourself letting go of blame and taking responsibility for yourself and your situation. Blaming keeps you trapped – taking responsibility frees you to heal. Enjoy such freedom.
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