Happy families have some characteristics in common, and these characteristics of healthy families are not present in families where there is narcissism, substance, alcohol, or behavior issues. You may be worried that you can’t change your family dynamic, but everyone has the ability to make things better if they become aware of the problems and have some tools to heal. But where to start?
If you are in a family where there is alcohol or substance use, you know secrets have to be kept. Crises need covering up. Abuse is ignored. Family members, especially children, feel unsafe, unsupported, and shut down. Everything is a drama, and denial is king. Imagine a seesaw with one side all the way down. That is normal for a dysfunctional family. What happens in recovery?
Can an unhappy family change in recovery
Changing a family system that’s been in place for a long time, even generations, happens all the time. People do get healthy when they enter recovery. It is better when all members of the family are on the same page, understand the recovery language, and want to change the way they communicate and act. but it isn’t always possible to get everyone on board for emotional healing. Toxic families have been perpetrating emotional abuse for a long time, and often one person maintains control. Manipulation and control are hallmarks of a dysfunctional family. Changing that dynamic means disruption of those who count on the status quo. The first step in creating happy families is to tell the truth.
Happy families do not keep secrets
Some families have established secret keeping as a way to protect a physical/emotional abuser or a user, or to maintain control of the family. But the cost of silence and denial is dysfunction that hurts everyone. Here’s the thing about keeping a dirty secret. When you protect a family member, he or she doesn’t have to take responsibility for his actions. She or he sinks deeper into destruction, and the family sinks deeper into destructive conditioning that hard to escape.
Abuse and dysfunction can only thrive in silence and denial. Silence feeds dysfunction, and awareness is the first step to shifting that balance.
11 steps to creating happy families in recovery
- End the silence by acknowledging the family dysfunction. Get out of the denial by looking at the reality of your situation. Until you acknowledge this, no changes can occur.
- Read articles and books about dysfunctional families. Our favorites include work by Sharon Wegsheider-Cruse, Melody Beattie, John Bradshaw, Friel and Friel, and Claudia Black.* Some of this work dates back to the 1980s but is still on the cutting edge of recovery; some of these experts also have newer work as well.
- Tell the children Children already know there are problems and that these problems have to do with alcohol or substances. Acknowledging the problems validates their realities.
- Tell extended family members such as grandparents if they can be supportive. Breaking the stigma is key to getting help. And the only way to break the stigma is to normalize the problem by talking about it
- Tell friends. You are safer when other people know what you’re going through. This helps you to get support for yourself and the family
- If you are a parent, listen and acknowledge what your children are going through. Offer them support and compassion and do activities with them and get them help to cope with the problems associated with addiction of a loved one.
- If you’re a child, ask the non-addicted parent to listen to you and to do fun things with you and help you with your problems associated with the addicted family member.
- Attend 12-step-meetings such as Al-Anon, Al-Ateen, Families Anonymous, and Codependent’s Anonymous. This helps you to not only acknowledge the problems, but to gain support and insight from others
- Find other support groups in your community that may help with other issues such as grief support groups and religious and/or spirituality groups.
- Seek counseling for yourself and the family. Individual and family therapy can be very valuable in helping you to develop and utilize healthy coping skills.
- Set Boundaries Don’t enable destructive behavior if you have been doing it for years. In the case of active addiction, don’t allow substance users into the house. This is difficult, we know, and you may feel a substance user is safer at home, but that is not the case. Stay clear of the addict’s dysfunction.
Detach When Necessary
If you have been using all of these techniques and the family is still struggling, it’s time to explore how detachment either from the person who is causing the family dysfunction. This family member may have stopped using, but is still trying to control the family or acting out in other ways such as being verbally abusive. Also, when the family gets healthy, the troubled family member(s) usually does not like this reality and will attempt to sabotage the progress.
Happy families Seek help when abuse is present
Domestic violence is rife during the epidemic. If you are experiencing this, seek help. For some, it is difficult to leave is the primary worker and financial issues are, but there are governmental housing options, women’s shelters, homeless shelters, and free food pantries and community meals. If you are concerned that you are breaking up the family, be assured that you are doing the healthy things for your children and seek support.
Finally, while this is not an easy process, it is a healthy process for all involved. Once you begin to get your life back, options will open up for you and your family to continue to heal. There are many others going through the same process; remember that you are not alone and you can live a life of joy and compassion.
Happy families enjoy life so self care tips especially in the time of Corona Virus are necessary
Often people in crisis shut down and lose all the things about life they had enjoyed before. To break old patterns of silence, denial and enabling, finding ways to enjoy your life is key.
- Physically get exercise, eat healthy, sleep enough
- Intellectually read, write, chat with others
- Emotionally talk about your thoughts and feelings
- Relationships nurture both alone time and time with friends
- Spiritually do those things that free your soul such as mediating, spending time in nature, church/temple/synagogue, being creative
* Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie and Family Strategies by Claudia Black and 100 Tips For Growing Up are great resources.
