Secretly I’m desperate. But I’m not allowed to tell. So my misery comes out at inconvenient times. Today I break down in the grocery store. “They’re out of coffee caramel swirl,” I sputter between sobs scaring the people around me. I want to explain. “He’s relapsed. I know he’s drinking again. And lying. And leaving.” But those are heavily guarded secrets.
Why Can’t I Tell The Truth
Yes, the truth would better explain why a grown woman is crying in the grocery store’s freezer section, but I’m not supposed to tell anyone how sick he really is. Or that he drinks. Or how much I really miss him.
There’s Nothing Left For Me
It’s not OK for me to complain about how alcoholism has taken away my entire family because all their love compassion, energy, and money goes to save him. There’s nothing left over for me. That would be selfish.
Life Is Just Missed Everything
I shouldn’t be bitter about missed birthday parties or tension filled Christmas dinners. I’m supposed to take the high road and be the bigger person. And I’m not allowed to discuss the hateful things he said to my child when he was drunk. We can’t let the neighbors to find out about that. Or the church people. Or anyone else in the family.
He’s Just My Brother I Should Be Okay
It’s inappropriate for me to say how much I love him and how I’m so afraid he’s going to die young. That would be awkward. Besides, he’s not my husband. He’s “just” my brother. Sure, I practically raised him, but he’s technically not my child. My pain could be worse, and I should be happy it isn’t.
The Fog Of Breakdown Clears
Finally, the cold air from the ice cream freezer begins to calm me and a recovery mantra surfaces – “Do the next right thing.” I’m able to reach for the cookie dough ice cream, my second choice, and head to the check out.
Somedays, my reality is a little too real, and on those “I had a meltdown in the freezer section” days, my go to comfort food is a Brownie Meltdown Sundae. I created this recipe back when my infertility treatments were failing, so it is tried and true. Since I didn’t have kids back then, I had time to make homemade coffee ice cream for the sundaes. These days, I use store bought – usually without the in-store meltdowns.
Brownie Meltdown Sundae
- ½ cup (1 stick) butter
- 1 cup sugar
- 1/3 cup chocolate chips
- 2 eggs
- ¼ teaspoon sea salt
- 1 teaspoon vanilla
- 1/3 cup flour
Preheat oven to 325 degrees.
In a small saucepan, melt butter. Add sugar and stir until creamy and melting. Remove from heat and stir in the chocolate chips. Chocolate chips, much like Moms having meltdowns, can be quite temperamental. It’s important that they don’t get too hot.
Let the chocolate mixture cool completely. I find it helpful to taste the mixture often to see if it’s cool enough. If the chocolate is too hot, it will scramble the eggs you are about to add, which could cause another meltdown.
Add the two eggs and stir until blended. Then add the 1/3 cup of flour and vanilla. Stir to combine.
Pour into a greased 8-inch square baking pan. Bake for 38 to 40 minutes or until a wooden toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean. Let cool. Makes 16 brownies.
Top with a scoop of your favorite ice cream, chocolate sauce, and whipped cream.
Reach Out Recovery Exclusive By Pam Carver