In addiction recovery we talk a lot about letting go and detachment. For loved ones and family members letting go can mean having to abandon the very deepest beliefs that we hold. For me, it’s still as hard and anguish-making as….well, as it is for any addict not to use drugs. Why is detachment from this disease so hard? I’d say, because without my beliefs and actions, how do I know who I am? How do I know I’m a good person? How do I show I care? How can I keep the bad things from happening?
Many Parents And Loved Ones Of Addicts Can’t Help Believing:
- Caring means taking action whenever there is a problem.
- Loving requires complete attention, which often translates into dropping everything whenever issues come up and listening no matter what.
- Being good parents requires self-sacrifice. That may mean skimping to give an adult child things he or she needs. Or postponing activities or fun things because a loved one needs them. For different parents self-sacrifice means different things.
- Parents are responsible for keeping adult children alive no matter what the circumstances.
- You can only be as happy as your saddest child.
For parents (or other loved ones) who believe all of the above, it requires a real emotional overhaul to think, let alone behave, any other way. And those five bullet points, which were the guides of my life, filled my head and changed me into someone no one wants to be.
So What Was In My Head Before Addiction Took Me Hostage?
- I loved the ridiculous.
- I laughed and mugged around a lot. People thought I was funny.
- I danced to the music and played the piano. I sang with the radio.
- I was preoccupied with orchids, gardens, weeds, bread-making. Seasonal bounty.
- I really liked food.
- I cried at the drop of a hat: GE commercials never failed to make me cry.
- I wrote, but not about addiction.
I didn’t feel myself changing into a different person altogether. I just slowly stopped loving the ridiculous. I didn’t feel funny, didn’t sing or play the piano. I didn’t water the plants. They all died, and I didn’t care. I stopped being a very diligent house cleaner. And I couldn’t even cry because crying meant I wasn’t up to the bigger task that was now set for me, which was to be perfectly totally vigilant in every way so the ultimate disaster wouldn’t happen to us. That was my job. And that’s magical thinking. You know we have no control over happens, right? And you also know that trying to perfect is far from perfection. In fact, it’s the opposite. Plus you lose whatever self was you.
What Does Empowerment Look Like
So, What does letting go look like for me? The first and foremost thing is allowing myself to trust that my loved ones can take over their own controls. That’s not detachment. It’s empowerment. I still love and care for and do positive things; but my head, and body, can go to the beach now. And my private headspace can fill up with….whatever nonsense appeals. Does that mean I can sing, dance and be funny again. Yes, I am funny and ridiculous again.
A Reach Out Recovery Exclusive by Leslie Glass
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