According to family experts Friel and Friel, authors of Adult Children, The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families, healthy functional families have eight traits in common. Many who are in recovery are past victims of trauma and/or abuse. In fact, 2 out of every 3 people in recovery were victims of child abuse. Recovery teaches us to choose progress over perfection. This list will help you measure where your family is now and where you want to grow.
1. Recovering Families Meet Basic Needs
Functional families are consistently meeting each individual's most basic needs for food, shelter, and clothing. A family that is food insecure, shelter insecure, or without the basic clothing needed, is vulnerable is every way. Growth is almost impossible when survival itself is the everyday focus.
2. Members Are Safe
Beyond food and clothing, safety is a fundamental need for every family member. Being safe from emotional and physical abuse is critical. Family members embrace and nurture each other. They thrive.
3. Family Members Are Loved
Noted psychologist Abraham Maslow explains that we also have a deep need for love and belongingness. For an individual and family to grow, they need to know that they are loved, cherished, and belong to their tribal family. Here the family works as a unit to allow each member to talk about issues, to trust others, and to feel their feelings.
4. Each Person Is Encouraged To Be Unique And Independent
There is a strong need for autonomy or separateness. Functional families allow each individual in the family to grow and develop. Also called individualization, each person in a functional family becomes a unique self and the family supports this ongoing development. The individual is seen as their own person while still functioning as part of this healthy family system. In this manner, the family also embraces diversity.
5. All Members Are Worthy And Valuable
Families also function to promote self-esteem or a sense of worth in each family member. Each person is seen as worthy and valuable to the family. Family members praise each other. This is about dignity and self-assurance of each individual.
6. Everyone Gets To Make Mistakes
Perfectionism is not a goal for it is unhealthy, and each member and the family itself must make mistakes in order to learn, heal, and grow. Here we realize that we are all imperfect beings in our perfection of our selves. Without making mistakes, no one would be able to cope within this imperfect, perfect world.
7. Recovering Families Have Fun
Play is a very important aspect of healthy development; without it, our growth becomes static, rigid, and perfectionistic. Play also includes exploring the many outlets of creativity. Each family member and each family needs allow creativity such as:
- Writing or journaling
- Singing (even if you can’t carry a tune)
- Playing sports or doing yoga
Do whatever it is that makes your heart soar.
8. Families Have Spirituality, Too
That old adage about families that pray together has some merit. In spirituality, the family embraces a sense of wonder and awe, of creation and creativity, of joy and sorrow, and of love and gratitude. The family sets the basis of spirituality and allows diversity of belief and practices for each individual.
So, how does your family measure up? Don’t be in a panic if you don’t meet all of these functions. For remember, the family, and each individual, needs to make mistakes in order to develop throughout the lifespan. Are there ways that the family can improve? How can your entire family explore these traits and focus on healing?