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Are You The “Fixer” In Your Relationship?

Fixer ties girlfriend's shoe

Co-Dependency

Are You The “Fixer” In Your Relationship?

Man tying shoe, Adobe

Are You The “Fixer” In Your Relationship?

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There is a tendency to live in patterns, or to re-live patterns…depending on what works for any given person. Being a fixer is one such pattern. Often, the patterns are hidden from our view, found outside our peripheral vision or in our blind spots. These patterns play themselves out in every area of our lives until we discover them and let them go.

Friends Can't Fix Us

We bristle and reject the communication of friends who try to illuminate the pattern for us. Some friends can be blunt and tell us like it is, while others sugarcoat the elusive pattern in analogies. Friends have good intentions, but their words frequently fall on deaf ears; their efforts to get us to see what we cannot are wasted.

Are You A Fixer?

A common pattern is found in those who are driven to “fix” other people and relationships. The fixing pattern is really a deflection or diversion which is projected onto others. There is less risk in fixing others than there is in fixing oneself, after all.

“Fixers” are obsessed with fixing anything which they deem broken and they are not above breaking it so that they can fix it! They are smooth talkers, having the ability to persuade and convince. They are also bullies and they communicate by throwing out hurtful accusations that are untruthful and just plain unkind.

Extreme fixers are emotional abusers, and often they cannot see the pattern they are employing to manipulate and disempower the people they claim to love. And they play it out over and over again, in relationship after relationship where they’ve labelled their exes “crazy” or “unlovable”. They take a potentially fulfilling relationship and break it, just so they can fix it. Such is their obsession with repeating the pattern.

Fixing Can Backfire

A close friend who is a “fixer” recently ended his relationship by assuming a tragic life event had broken his fiancé. Instead of providing the emotional support that would have empowered her, he tried to fix her. When she resisted his efforts, he created chaos in the relationship and she ended it. She unknowingly played right into his hand, because now he can try to fix it.

Who Fixers Are Attracted To

Fixers often find themselves in relationships with people who are trying to heal their own patterns. On one hand, aware that patterns exist and on the other, unclear which is theirs…. “seekers” are vulnerable to fixers because they are trying to uncover their own patterns. Seekers lose discernment when they assume that fixers are also seeking their own truth. Sadly, this is not the case but fortunately, seekers are usually self-aware and can see the pattern for what it is and let it go.  Who knows, they may even realize their own pattern in the process!

Let Go

Being curious and aware of what triggers you in communication will shine the light on the patterns that you play out in your own life. We’re all human and we all have these patterns of behavior that hold us back from true freedom and happiness…why not begin your own discovery with forgiveness and let go?


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Elizabeth is a certified Educational Specialist and Success Coach. She has a BA, MS in biology with a concentration in ethology (animal behavior), is an EAGALA Equine Specialist in equine assisted learning and personal development, and has extensive personal leadership skills. She spent much of her career in education at the high school, college and correctional facility levels teaching biology & chemistry and acting in the capacity of a success coach. Elizabeth presents workshops and seminars which address communication issues as they manifest in personal relationships. She uses writing as both a creative and cathartic outlet, especially after losing both of her parents to cancer in 2015. She lives in upstate NY, on a farm that bears the name of her motto: Be Unreasonable! She's invested in empowering others in moving their pieces forward in the world.

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