Unloved daughter is a harsh idea to digest and worse, to live with. Can we ever get over feeling like an unloved daughter? But first, what does the term mean? I’ve thought about this a lot over the years because my culture taught me that I was less than my brother and father and uncles and husband. That means there is a cloud over me of feeling unloved even when others think they love me. I’m not alone with this hurtful feeling of being unheard, unimportant, and less-than.
The impact of being an unloved daughter is not having enough healthy narcissism or self-esteem to act for yourself. According to some psychologists that lack of self-value and self-esteem make us echoists, people who please others more than ourselves. We echo and fill the needs of others, ignoring our own. Which in turn makes us resentful and unhappy.
Unloved daughters, or echoists, are often molded this way by their mothers, but there’s much more to it. We don’t talk about history, traditions that linger, and genetic transference. An unloved daughter is treated differently by the men in their lives, too. I was an unloved daughter but not because of my mom. It was my dad who considered me less-than. But why? I am not less smart or capable than the males in my family. I was considered less than simply because my gender as a girl has historically based my value on looks and what I bring to the table as a commodity, rather than who I am or what I can do as a person.
Was I really unloved? Not really, according to family members. Family members who act unloving and denigrating to their girls may be the result of cultural traditions, and they don’t think they are being cruel or hurtful. They have excuses for their treatment. They don’t think it’s wrong.
Feeling like an unloved daughter even when you may be loved in some ways actually means carrying you’re carrying the genetic transference of all history. Very few cultures in the history of humankind value their daughters. Women have been bought and sold and used as chattel since the beginning of time. For this reason, it seems to add insult to injury to tell us to love ourselves, to feel compassion for ourselves when we actually should be feeling anger, hurt, and rage. But accepting that our feelings are not our fault, do not reflect reality, and do not have to define us now or for the future can help. We may not be able to fully mend the holes in our self-esteem, but the truth is others will value us highly only when we value ourselves highly. And we can learn to do that.
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