Blamers can be toxic people who look for faults in others to take control
Not all blamers are toxic people, though. Some people are perfectionists who are uncomfortable with anything that doesn’t seem exactly right to them. Discomfort can come when cultural expectations for the way things should be are not met. Perfectionists may be demanding and demeaning when they can’t get their way. It’s hard to live with perfectionists. They may be controlling and difficult, but teachable. When someone understands you and hears your side of the story, controlling can be eased. When perfectionism means you are only acceptable when you do it their way, blaming is toxic.
Are controlling people toxic people
It depends whether controlling is malicious or not. Controlling people can be anxiety ridden and fearful. Motives do matter in behavior. When a loved one is anxiety ridden and wants you to do things his/her way, or she may be afraid of negative consequences. This applies to parents who want their children to be safe when children want their freedom.
If you object to the controlling and your loved ones say, they just want “to help,” that’s an opportunity for growth on both sides. You can learn how to gently set boundaries. Setting boundaries may or may not work at first. But annoying as it may be, many controlling people are blamers without toxic intent. Some of my family members, and probably yours, too.
When blamers are toxic people
Toxic people blame others to avoid responsibility for things that go wrong. This can happen in dysfunctional families where there is a history of substance use. Do you have a boss, or parent, or sibling, who blames you and others to deflect responsibility so you’re the one who gets in trouble? Toxic people also blame others to dominate and take control. A chronic blamer may be a narcissist who can’t think of anyone but him or herself. Blamers who have a personality disorder can’t listen or have a balanced relationship. They will gaslight you, and argue with you to get the upper hand. They will never understand your point of view and have no compassion for your feelings. In fact, your feelings don’t count. And they can never apologize and say they’re sorry.