Do you know the signs of an abusive relationship? It can be confusing. What do you need to know and what steps should you take?  If you or someone you love is suffering from behavior described below, be aware that the situation needs attention.

This may have happened to you. Your partner apologizes and says the hurtful behavior won’t happen again, but you fear it will. At times you wonder whether you’re imagining the abuse, yet the emotional or physical pain you feel is real. If this sounds familiar, you might be experiencing domestic violence.

Can you recognize domestic violence?

Domestic violence — also called intimate partner violence — occurs between people in an intimate relationship. Domestic violence can take many forms, including emotional, sexual and physical abuse and threats of abuse. Men are sometimes abused by partners, but domestic violence is most often directed toward women. Domestic violence can happen in heterosexual or same-sex relationships.

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How can you tell it’s an abusive relationship

It might not be easy to identify domestic violence at first. While some relationships are clearly abusive from the outset, abuse often starts subtly and gets worse over time. You might be experiencing domestic violence if you’re in a relationship with someone who:

  • Calls you names, insults you or puts you down
  • Prevents or discourages you from going to work or school
  • Prevents or discourages you from seeing family members or friends
  • Tries to control how you spend money, where you go, what medicines you take or what you wear
  • Acts jealous or possessive or constantly accuses you of being unfaithful
  • Gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs
  • Threatens you with violence or a weapon
  • Hits, kicks, shoves, slaps, chokes or otherwise hurts you, your children or your pets
  • Forces you to have sex or engage in sexual acts against your will
  • Blames you for his or her violent behavior or tells you that you deserve it

If you’re lesbian, bisexual or transgender, you might also be experiencing domestic violence if you’re in a relationship with someone who:

  • Threatens to tell friends, family, colleagues or community members your sexual orientation or gender identity
  • Tells you that authorities won’t help a lesbian, bisexual or transgender person
  • Tells you that leaving the relationship means you’re admitting that lesbian, bisexual or transgender relationships are deviant
  • Says women can’t be violent
  • Justifies abuse by telling you that you’re not “really” lesbian, bisexual or transgender

Abusive relationship and pregnancy and children

Sometimes domestic violence begins — or increases — during pregnancy, putting your health and the baby’s health at risk. The danger continues after the baby is born. Even if your child isn’t abused, simply witnessing domestic violence can be harmful. Children who grow up in abusive homes are more likely to be abused and have behavioral problems than are other children. As adults, they’re more likely to become abusers or think abuse is a normal part of relationships. You might worry that seeking help will further endanger you and your child or that it might break up your family, but it’s the best way to protect your child — and yourself.

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The pattern of violence in an abusive relationship

If you’re in an abusive situation, you might recognize this pattern:

  • Your abuser threatens violence
  • The abuser strikes
  • Your abuser apologizes, promises to change and offers gifts
  • The cycle repeats itself

The longer you stay in an abusive relationship, the greater the physical and emotional toll. For immediate help, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-SAFE (800-799-7233).

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Leslie Glass

Leslie Glass became a recovery advocate and co-founder of Reach Out Recovery in 2011, encouraged by her daughter Lindsey who had struggled with substances as a teen and young adult. Learning how to manage the family disease of addiction with no roadmap to follow inspired the mother and daughter to create Reach Out Recovery's website to help others experiencing the same life-threatening problems. Together they produced the the 2016 ASAM Media Award winning documentary, The Secret World of Recovery, and the teen prevention documentary, The Silent Majority, distributed by American Public Television. Leslie is also the creator of Recovery Guidance, the information website for those seeking addiction and mental healthcare for professionals nationwide. In her career, Leslie has worked in advertising, publishing, and magazines as a writer of both fiction and non fiction. She is the author of 9 bestselling crime novels, featuring NYPD Dt.Sgt. April Woo. Leslie has has served as a Public Member of the Middle States Commission of Higher Education and as a Trustee of the New York City Police Foundation. For from 1990 to 2017, Leslie was the Trustee of the Leslie Glass Foundation.

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