These self care holiday tips are not for managing stress which you’re all having for organizational, work, and travel challenges. They are for finding peace and harmony with your mother/daughter wherever you are in your relationship this season. And we know that many moms and daughter are fighting or estranged these days. It’s sad.
My daughter Lindsey and I were estranged for four years, and we both suffered from the loss. It’s terrible to feel lonely and alone because someone you long to love is angry at you. Over the past six years, this mother and daughter worked out our differences and wrote about book about it, The Mother Daughter Relationship Makeover, 4 Steps To Bring Back The Love. Our book was Oprah Book Club recommended for Mother’s Day, and now it’s Christmas, time to share some of the tips we use to stay loving, connected, and peaceful no matter what comes up to challenge us.
Self care for triggers is awareness and restraint. All mothers and daughters have issues about one thing or another. Often we have communication habits that constantly bring our conflicts to the surface even when we desperately want to get along. There was a time when Lindsey would come home, take one look at me and feel so enraged, she’d walk out almost immediately. What was it that triggered her? The look on my face? The offer of food? The words I used to welcome her? Was I not welcoming?
In our case, Lindsey felt I was judging her when I offered her food or said she looked tired or pretty much anything I said. I was trying to be helpful, but she saw me as judgmental and controlling. Moms, your daughters need to feel that you are a safe haven, that you will not try to make her different or fix her.
Take some time to think about your daughter’s triggers and consider both: keeping your mouth shut, and using only positive ways to communicate.
Self care tip for separation is self discovery. Moms, your daughter may not be with you this season. While an angry daughter is a painful thing to experience, her absence can feel even worse. I felt abandoned when Lindsey moved across the country and refused to let me know anything about her life. My hurt was my challenge to rediscover myself.
What is your self care tip for bitter separation? Explore yourself, hopes and dreams. I know from experience that when a child, family member, mother sibling, best friend has it in for you, the weight of their negative feelings is with you all the time.
The fact that things are tense right now doesn’t mean the estrangement is permanent. Your loved one may well return to you some day. What can you do for yourself whether she returns or not? Learn more about who you really are. Rediscover old passions. Take time to enjoy without the drama. Detachment is your first step.
Self care tips for anger and resentment is detachment. If your daughter (or mom) is guilt-tripping you for any one of a thousand reasons, let it go. I love the cool moms who withstand a thousand arrows to the heart and not take it personally. Daughters say these things. Words are just words. You can let them hurt you, or let it go. I also love the cool daughters who can take their own holidays without overthinking mom’s hurt reaction. We’re all only human.
Just because your loved one wants something, or triggers you, or makes life difficult, you don’t have to feel guilty, or responsible for fixing it. You don’t have to feel sad because her life is difficult. You are yourself, your responsibility is you. Detachment from drama is empowering.
Self care tip for unreasonable demands is boundaries. No. mom doesn’t have to pay for her daughter’s botox or boyfriend’s present. She doesn’t have to babysit for days while daughter and her husband live it up in Mexico. Mom can establish boundaries of what she’s willing and able to do, and what she won’t do. Her job is taking care of herself and her resources.
It’s mom’s money and mom’s time. She is the decider of her own choices. You may think she’s selfish, but that’s her. Daughters, your boundaries may be about mom’s violating your privacy or not honoring your no-nagging rules. You get to decide how much or how little you want to be with her.
Your self care tip for a complicated relationship is hope and compassion. Whoever your mom or daughter is, she’s had traumas and hurts and experiences you don’t know anything about. Hurt people often hurt their loved ones without meaning to. Be compassionate this season about someone you love who may not have the communication or relationship skills to make you feel safe or good. It doesn’t mean you’re not loved. Have hope that you can overcome your differences and change for the better.
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