Do You Fight With A Difficult Relative

If You Fight With A Difficult Relative You Are In The Majority

The truth of the matter is that in 2024 many families are fractured, and many people within families don’t get along or barely get along to keep things going. If you add a difficult family member to the mix, dynamics can get tricky and tempers flared. People take sides, drama becomes normal and before you know it, the entire family is walking on eggshells to manage one person’s emotions. So, to be clear, we are not talking about normal family conflict here. We are talking about someone who struggles to manage their temper or emotions and regularly attacks other members of the family or makes things difficult in a variety of different ways.

Where Does Your Difficult Relative Stand On The Toxic Scale?

There are many shades of a difficult relative that range from selfish and emotional to toxic and abusive. When dealing with a difficult relative it can be helpful to determine what you’re dealing with because a relative who is selfish and emotional can be well-managed with boundaries and healthy communication. In this coach’s experience, people who have the ability to listen and apologize are also usually capable of change, if they wan to. People who can’t listen or apologize or constantly blame, shame, and are determined to misunderstand you are something different.

Tips Manage A Difficult Relative

If you know your relative is challenging but there are reasons for it, or they have a good heart and you want to work on your relationship with them, here’s what can work.

1. Mentally prepare for a visit or when you have something to talk about. Don’t bring something up out of the blue if you know it might upset them or catch them off guard. Let them know you need to talk about something important and set a time that works for both of you.
2. Emotions/Empathy Check. Maybe do a yoga class or meditate for a few minutes before dealing with a difficult relative to increase your empathy for them. Gain a big perspective for them because maybe they struggle more in life than you do, or maybe they’re having a tough time, but lean into compassion and understanding. Lean away from judgment and hurt feelings.
3. Watch out for triggers and drama. Don’t bring up issues you know they freak out about and if you see drama coming, back away, don’t confront it.
4. Healthy Boundaries. Healthy boundaries have saved many relationships. Read about them and learn how to set them and they will work.

Tips To Manage A Toxic Relative

A toxic relative is someone who doesn’t apologize, won’t let you apologize, finds judgment with everyone, lies, manipulates, and never sees their parts in things. This is almost impossible to deal with so here are some strategies for managing that.

1. Limited/Monitored Time With Them. If there is someone in the family who traumatized you but you need to see them from time to time, make sure to limit those interactions and have other people present who can support you. If you don’t know how to set boundaries, read this.
2. Don’t Ever Engage. This is a hard lesson to learn, but we all know engaging with them never goes well. It always devolves and everyone walks away in misery. You know the feeling and you can prevent it. If they engage you, don’t respond, don’t answer the call, don’t feel you owe anyone anything. If it’s in person, find a way to get away.
3. Limit or Cut Contact. This is sad and it’s never what anyone wants. But, if someone is determined to misunderstand you and make you the bad guy and it is doing damage, you have the right to cut or seriously limit contact with that person.
4. Get help or seek support. Once you understand toxic people, both why they do the things they do and what those regular patterns look like, these people are easier to manage. Read articles and books about the issues. Join online groups or support groups. If necessary, get professional help. Hey, this is serious stuff and you don’t have to feel ashamed if you need help.

The goal here is to create a manageable relationship with a difficult relative or limit time with an unmanageable relative. Over here, we’re realizing more and more that drama and family fighting goes nowhere good and disrupts everyone’s life so the less the better!

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Check out my book The Mother-Daughter Relationshiop Makeover! Featured in Oprah’s Book Club!