Are you fighting with everyone, and you don’t know why? Fighting with everyone about everything can be a habit, a form of manipulation or a sign of perpetual frustration that you’re not getting what you want. How’s it going for you? Some people get a kick out of ranting and raving and trying to best others verbally to prove they’re right and the winner.
Others hate conflict and the way it makes them feel. That fight or flight response, beating heart, anger and upset that lasts longer than the incident itself is debilitating. Conflict can ruin a person’s day if they hate it. But what about the people who can’t stop finding things to fight about? What’s up with that? And how can you stop the cycle?
Just FYI, I used to live with people who pick fights about everything, and it brought me to tears and rage and sometimes, emotional nuclear war. In short, it felt awful; and I had to learn how to stop fighting back. You can’t win, but you can withdraw from the fray.
Anger is one main cause of fighting and triggers the body’s ‘fight or flight’ response. Other emotions that trigger this response include fear, excitement, and anxiety. The adrenal glands flood the body with stress hormones, such as adrenaline and cortisol. Your brain shunts blood away from the gut and towards the muscles, in preparation for physical exertion. Heart rate, blood pressure and respiration increase, the body temperature rises and the skin perspires. Your mind is sharpened and focused. This is great for lawyers, but not great family members and co workers who don’t want to be at war with you.
Are you a habitual fighter? If you are full and righteous indignation about one thing going wrong or another, you could be happy in conflict and the way it winds you up. You may feel alive when you are in an adversarial situation. Think of some people who make their living fighting or fight for causes. That’s one thing, but altogether another when it’s happening at home or in the workplace. You’re hurting other people, and not helping yourself.
We know a lot of people who enjoy picking fights. It seems that they are looking for trouble, or things that are wrong, or perceived insults they can get excited about. Not being served fast enough, getting cut off on the road, being disappointed because a family member isn’t doing enough for them, not getting their way at work are just a few things that tick people off. As a mom, I would have to cope with the anger of my children coming at me for no reason. I would also have to cope with my own anger and resentment at loved ones in recovery who were fighting their own demons and though I was one of them. Moms take a lot of other people’s anger. So how do we stop fighting?
Accept that anger is a normal part of life. Yes, many everyday experiences things will try to drive you crazy, but you don’t have to react in a negative way. Anger is okay, sometimes it can be productive, but as a habit anger can get in the way of pleasure and happiness about the good things in life. Remember how mom used to tell you to count to ten and take deep breaths to calm down?
Learn your anger and resentment triggers. What and who are making you angry? I can name a lot of things that get me going. As a writer, I always suggest writing about it instead of brooding. So, journal about what makes you angry and upset enough to pick a fight. Writing about your feelings helps you identify the problem, and it also helps you consider your strategies to deal with it. Yes, you can change your perspective.
Walk away when you feel out of control or ready to start verbal punching. Walking away will give you space and time to cool off. If someone is fighting you, you can always say: You may be right. This is Lindsey’s favorite way to stop an argument cold.
If a person in your life is argumentative or hurtful, you can write letters to those people, but not send them. That way you can express your anger and feelings but not engage in destructive fights you can’t win. If it’s someone who shouldn’t be in your life. Hey, you can say good bye. I’ve done that many times and felt relief when the fighting stopped. If you’re at risk, get help to get away.
If you can’t stop fighting, find someone reliable, or a professional who can help you bring clarity about your personality issues or the people causing problems in your life.
I always find that Yoga, meditation (even when I fall asleep) and exercise to bring my mood back to a better place.
More articles to read
Signs of an abusive relationship
10 Ways Narcissists Take Control
5 Ways Narcissists Use Projection
How To Stop An Argument Cold
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