Ohhh, the tangled spaghetti bowl of food, weight, and the mother-daughter dynamic. There is so much mother-daughter conflict with food–where do we even start?
This topic is loaded (pun absolutely intended) because it’s not just about food or bodies—it’s about identity, control, love, protection, legacy, shame, and the constant drumbeat of unrealistic cultural expectations. Every woman I know can recount a fight, or many, with their moms about how they eat, what they eat, when they eat, etc. etc. It is one of the easiest issues for moms and daughters to have because it’s a part of daily life and while it’s necessary to life and functioning, it also represents so much more. Let’s get into why it’s so particularly fraught:
Many mothers grew up in eras where thinness wasn’t just idealized—it was moralized. Their self-worth was tied to the size of their jeans. So what happens? That messaging gets handed down, wrapped in love and concern:
“I just don’t want you to struggle like I did.”
The intention might be protection. The impact? Often pressure, judgment, or confusion. One way to handle this issue is to remember that what we’re really striving for is good health and that looks different for different women. Instead of a focus on looks or size, focus on whether you and your mom or daughter are healthy. If you do feel you receive constant criticism about your size, you have the right to ask your mom or daughter to stop commenting on it because it’s not helpful. We want to hold each other up – not push each other down.
Daughters are often a mother’s closest mirror. So if Mom has unhealed stuff around her body, guess where it might surface? Yep—right at the dinner table.
“Are you sure you want seconds?” = “I’m panicking about my own issues, but I don’t know how to say that.”
We all know the moms who see their daughters as a direct reflection on themselves. This is a tricky one so it’s helpful to have someone who can keep you in reality and remind you that her concerns are not actually about you.
Food can be one of the few domains where young girls—and their moms—feel some control. If life feels chaotic, focusing on what’s on the plate becomes the battleground. Moms may fixate on feeding “right,” while daughters might push back—or overcorrect. So, if you feel you’re in a situation where food is being used to control you, the question becomes whether this is healthy or not. Does the control lead to better or worse health for you? This is a moment where a trusted family member, friend or professional may be able to step in if the control is unhealthy.
We live in a confusing world when it comes to women’s bodies. Modern moms are told:
Be body-positive, but don’t let your kids gain weight.
Feed them healthy food, but don’t be controlling.
Teach them confidence, but also don’t let them stand out too much.
It’s like playing emotional Jenga with your eyes closed and few of us know what it right all the time. Again, this is when you can turn to health and wellness for the facts. Is your mom or daughter eating healthy, does a bad diet impact her ability to do what she wants? These are the questions to ask when figuring out what is right for you and your family.
Most of the time, the tension around food and weight is rooted in love—but it gets warped by fear. Fear of judgment. Fear of harm. Fear of repeating old patterns. Fear of being “bad moms” or “bad daughters.”
Talk about it. Gently, vulnerably, honestly. Dismantle the shame. Make peace with your own plate so you don’t hand your child a serving of guilt with their sandwich.
And remember: the best way to teach body love is to model it—not obsess over a kale smoothie like it’s a moral achievement.
Want to unpack this more or get into tools for healing that dynamic? I’ve got plenty of tips for you in my book, The Mother-Daughter Realtionship Makeover: 4 Steps To Bring Back The Love
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