7 Sneaky Ways Abusive Behavior Controls You


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Man Holding his hand up to stop abuse
Man Holding his hand up to stop abuse

Abusive behavior is a complex dance that controls your every move.  Are you lavished with love one minute and raged at the next? Do you feel you’re on shifting sands all the time. On one side you want to be loved and loving, and those are great qualities. But controlling people who become emotional abusers are not able to manage or understand their feelings. Instead, they use their feelings to manage others.

Abusive Behavior Confuses And Punishes You

Manipulators are often narcissists who believe they are sensitive and good, while the other people in their lives are thoughtless, unkind, and angry and cause things go wrong in their world. If you live with a manipulative person, you may be in constant fear of punishment for something you’ve done wrong, or might do wrong, and are always trying to prevent or fix it. You become controlled by fear that your loved one will hurt or accuse or confuse or punish you. Here are 7 qualities of people who emotionally abuse their loved ones

1. Chronic Anger

Is someone you love seething with rage almost all the time and finds any reason at all to let the feeling loose on you? The abuser controls you by fear that he/she will erupt with anger over absolutely nothing, even a smile on your face.

2. Projecting His Or Her Negative Feelings On You

Does someone say, “You’re always mad at me. You’re so critical, you’re so controlling,” or a dozen other things to make you believe you’re the negative one. The abuser is actually the one who feels these emotions and projects them on you. That way you’re the bad one and he is the good one or the victim in the relationship.

3. Hypersensitivity

Does she/he make you feel you have to walk on eggshells? He/she tells you you hurt his feelings. You did something on purpose to ignore or bother him. This sensitivity makes you wonder if you are unkind, cold, mean and you are on the defensive about every action you make and everything you say.

4. Confusing The Issue

Are you lawyered to death. Does someone twist everything you say into something you didn’t mean? This is actually turning your own words against you. You say one thing, and your abuser repeats these words as something else. It’s another kind of lying, but again puts you in the wrong and on the defensive. You may end up being the one who blows up or feels guilty.

5. Lying About Things In the Past Or That’s Happening Now

Does someone lie to you about what happened in the past, and even set up situations that repeat the same kind of incident over and over, but insist these things aren’t happening? This is sometimes called gaslighting. If you’re abused like this, you can feel you’re crazy. Whatever you think is reality is actually shifting sands. When you doubt yourself, the abuser is in control.

6. The Silent Treatment

Are you given the silent treatment as a form of punishment and have to beg for forgiveness. The silent treatment is withholding and punishing. The is also a common way of controlling someone.

 7. Playing The Victim

Does he/she make you feel you’re the reason things go wrong? Playing the victim means the abuser manages his/her anger by creating a world in which you have consistently let them down, failed them, done the wrong thing. Playing the victim makes you feel responsible for another person’s failures, mistakes and problems in life. This makes you feel guilty and motivates you to work harder at fixing your abuser’s problems.

Troubled relationships are not just love or marriage relationships, you can be abused by friends, family members, siblings, even your children at any age. If you believe that you are in an abusive relationship with a spouse or lover be sure to get legal help and stay safe.


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Leslie Glass

Leslie Glass became a recovery advocate and co-founder of Reach Out Recovery in 2011, encouraged by her daughter Lindsey who had struggled with substances as a teen and young adult. Learning how to manage the family disease of addiction with no roadmap to follow inspired the mother and daughter to create Reach Out Recovery's website to help others experiencing the same life-threatening problems. Together they produced the the 2016 ASAM Media Award winning documentary, The Secret World of Recovery, and the teen prevention documentary, The Silent Majority, distributed by American Public Television. Leslie is also the creator of Recovery Guidance, the information website for those seeking addiction and mental healthcare for professionals nationwide. In her career, Leslie has worked in advertising, publishing, and magazines as a writer of both fiction and non fiction. She is the author of 9 bestselling crime novels, featuring NYPD Dt.Sgt. April Woo. Leslie has has served as a Public Member of the Middle States Commission of Higher Education and as a Trustee of the New York City Police Foundation. For from 1990 to 2017, Leslie was the Trustee of the Leslie Glass Foundation.

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