Sibling Estrangement: When To Let Go

Sibling Estrangement Once Broke My Heart

Sibling estrangement is a lasting sorrow whether you feel it every day or rarely think about it. Being separated forever from those you grew up and with whom you share memories can be a heavy burden of feeling rejected and left out, or a lesson in healthy letting go. There is a saying in recovery circles. Go where it’s warm. Here’s why.

Sibling Estrangement Is More Than Lack Of Closeness

Here’s my example. My only brother was a rival in childhood, a best friend in our twenties, an enemy when finances came into play in our thirties and forties; and now, decades later a total stranger. At holidays missing a sibling can be especially sad. What if you’re not invited or abandoned?

What separated my brother and me was money, control, and lack of respect or regard for me, the little sister. Here was my solution. If you’re not appreciated, and change is not possible: let go. No one said you have to be friends forever. Moms may want it, but moms are not always right. A therapist will be more helpful than mom with this.

The Family Scapegoat

I was the family scapegoat. I told the truth, and no one likes to hear uncomfortable truths. My brother used his status as favorite son to manipulate the finances and then lord it over me when I complained about the injustice. I was just a writer, and writers (especially girl writers) could not join the family business. I was called the angry one, the ungrateful one, the useless one, and those labels stuck with me no matter how much I accomplished or what I did.

Accomplishments Unacknowledged

Even when I became a successful author, I still didn’t have value in the family. Making it on my own was not celebrated. I felt less than and the poor relation. In addition, I’ll admit it. I was left out and jealous. Also, my brother didn’t read my books: the ultimate insult. There was a lot for me to process. Therapy helped. So did the passage of time.

How did I let go of all the negative feelings? When someone makes you feel bad and won’t change, it’s on you to take care of yourself. I started doing just that. Letting go of emotional pain and sorrow may be the most difficult mental health task we face. If we want to be healthy and free, we work through our trauma and let others be who they are. As the Beatles said it. Let It Be. It doesn’t matter what your sibling thinks of you.

Sibling Estrangement Comes In Many Forms

Family estrangement is more common these days. These days people choose to part ways. But estrangement has always existed. Families have always been separated by war, by famine, by immigration and migration. Marriage can also cause sibling estrangement. Families don’t always like each other or get along.

Finances are often the cause, but events from long ago may have caused lasting grievances and grudges you don’t even remember or know about. If you’re the grudge holder, you might examine what really happened. On the other hand, if someone can’t get over something they think you’ve done and won’t talk to you about it, the estrangement is on them. Go where it’s warm. It’s okay to move on.

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Solution For Sibling Estrangement

Solution for sibling and other family estrangements: allow others to love and value you. Offer your love to those who appreciate you. True friendship and caring may well be thicker than blood. Volunteer, deepen friendships by caring about those around you. Everyone needs to love and be loved. Unrequited family love can lead to better relationships elsewhere. Look around. The opportunity for friendship is everywhere.