Constantly feel bad around family? You may have a family role you didn’t ask for
If you have noticed that you constantly feel one way or another around family, you may have a family role whether you asked for one or not. What does that mean? Often in a family that’s dealing with any dysfuntion (think mental illness, alcoholism, addiction, and so on) people will take on roles to compensate for others. There is no shame if this is happened to you. This is article is to help you see how it happened and how you might go about changing things–if that’s what you want.
Guess what? Family dysfunction breeds family roles
Family roles are established early in all families. In dysfunctional families negative conditioning and family roles can last a lifetime. There is a lot of information regarding dysfunctional families and the unhealthy roles that are played in this kind of family system. Addiction or abuse is often the cause of family dysfunction, but that is not the only reason for dysfunctional families. Narcissism in one family member can cause dysfunction for the whole family, too.
The motivation that launches dysfunction in families with substance or alcohol addiction is often noble, or caring. It can be the desire to protect the family or family member from negative consequences like getting arrested or losing a job, or being acknowledged as a drinker, abuser, gambler. The desire to protect begins with pretending that everything is all right, and later becomes a system that hurts everyone. In the name of loyalty, dysfunctional families require that everyone play a role in maintaining a destructive status quo. But again, dysfunction can also arise from personality disorders and trauma.
Dysfunctional Families Struggle With The Following Issues
- Denial of the problems
- Secrecy about what’s happening
- Addiction to drugs or alcohol, food, or behaviors such as gambling
- Codependency or taking care of person/s to the point of feeling angry and overwhelmed by their illness/es.
- Enabling a person stay in their addiction such as buying alcohol for the alcoholic to keep him/her/they happy
In unhealthy families, we find a number of roles that are problematic and which keep the family sick. Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse is one of the experts in the addiction and codependency fields and who led the field in examining family dysfunction in an addictive system. including common roles. Here we examine 6 types of roles in the family. As you read, see if you fit any of these roles.
Six Common Family Roles
The Problem Person/s
The person/s with substance use disorder, food disorder, behavior use disorder (gambling, exercise, sex) alcohol use disorder. This person/s uses substances or behaviors to try to feel better and in doing so, often demands acceptance of the addiction. This person also struggles with accepting responsibility for his life and the impact he is having on his family and others (such as friends, extended family, work, etc). The disorder can progress from just using substances, to misusing substances, and to becoming physically and emotionally dependent on the substance or behavior. This person’s life focuses on whatever behavior has become and addiction. The behavior becomes the best friend, the lover, the coping tool, and the comfort for all other issues.
The enabler is usually the partner or other family member who tries to keep the family together by attempting to keep peace. It can be mom, dad, grandma, grandpa. The codependent will often:
- Deny the problems of the problem person.
- Step to fix things in every time there’s a crisis
- Pay for debts, drugs, traffic tickets, telephone, rent
- Purchase the substances or other things the problem person needs
- Keep the secrets of the problem person and the family
- Be overwhelmed from by role as she/he no longer has time for anything else
- Pacifies the problem person to make the family look good
The hero is often the oldest child (including an adult child), although any child can be an overachiever. His role is to keep himself together and be the best he can be. The family embraces his role as he makes the family look good. Unfortunately, he is often serious, perfectionist, and rigid, and is unwilling to look at how this role is negatively affecting him and those around him.
The mascot tends to be the second child and his role is to keep everyone laughing, being the source of humor, or even getting into trouble for his pranks. This often is his way to cope with the family problems and he takes everyone’s mind off the addiction and dysfunction by being the court jester. However, he is typically immature and cannot reach his own feelings.
This role is for the child who is acts out with their behavior in order to try to get attention. As children grow, they learn that negative attention is better than no attention, so the scapegoat gets in trouble at home, at school, in the community, at work, and other places. The acting out is a direct cry for help but this behavior becomes a way to detract the family from the addictive problems as they focus on the problem child. This is a way for the parents to blame a child as the “identified problem,” therefore, not examining the other problems.
The lost child typically can be the third or later child. Here, she seeks to be invisible at home, at school, and/or work. The family pays her little attention as she demands little attention. Hiding out is a safety factor for her. She struggles with interactions with others, has low self esteem, and trouble making decisions.
Family Roles Are Fluid As Families Become More Dysfunctional Over Time
While these roles are common, they also vary in different family systems. Sometimes roles may be combined such as the mascot and the scapegoat. Also, the roles in the family can change such as the hero oldest daughter gets into drugs and another child steps up to be the hero.
To cope with this dysfunction, check out AA, NA, Al-Anon, Codependents Anonymous or other self-help programs. If this is an emergency, call a local or national hotline such as Families Anonymous – 800-736-9805. And finally, continue to read articles on this site, other sites, and/or read Wegscheider-Cruse’s books such as Another Chance, Codependency, and Coupleship.