If you are dealing with the sting of being hurt by someone you care (or cared) about, you are not alone. Every day people are hurt by ones they trusted, sometimes intentionally sometimes not intentionally. The problem is that some people have the skills to cope in a healthy way and others don’t. I want you to have the tools to forgive someone who hurt you because carrying anger, resentment, and pain is like drinking poison while hoping someone else will die. While I’m not saying any of this will make you feel better immediately, it will help you on your journey to healing. There are a few steps to understanding and processing hurt feelings that make a difference over time.
When you are in the middle of your own dramatic situation, it is almost impossible to see clearly. Hurt feelings and anger will shade everything. Self-pity is natural and an easy spot to land in when things go wrong. However, taking the time and energy to clarify what happened is a crucial step. If you need a professional to help, by all means, call a sponsor or mental health professional. For me, I needed a little outside perspective on what happened in my situation to understand how we got where we ended up. The funny part is, once someone helps you see what happened, things do fall into place. You may not like the information you receive, but it will help you understand. I felt some relief over knowing what was my fault and what wasn’t.
To get through you have to go through. That means to move on in a productive way, it is essential to feel your feelings and get to the other side. In the Jewish religion, when someone passes away you sit Shiva. What that refers to is a seven-day period of formalized morning by family and friends of the deceased. The purpose is to provide a time for spiritual and emotional healing where mourners join together and remember and grieve the person they’ve lost. So, if you’ve lost a relationship or something has been broken beyond repair, I believe in taking the time to grieve and think about what happened. But, do that in order to move on! There is a reason it is seven days and not seven months. The goal is to get it out and get back to life.
It seems like a lot of the world has depression and anxiety right now and I fit right into that category. Nothing like heartache or personal pain to exacerbate depression and anxiety. This is the time to engage in any anxiety-reduction activities that you know of and enjoy.
I’m a nature lover and I’ve been walking the dog every day for extended periods of time. I want that fresh air and sun energy. Yoga, any exercise, meditation, reading, watching good shows, creative efforts, you get the idea. If you’re into this new age recovery, get your butt into healing classes or even a weekend retreat. Friends can be a great distraction, fostering an animal might help raise your mood, and cooking is very therapeutic for many people. Practice an anxiety-reducing activity every day and get in the habit of cultivating mood-boosting hormones.
In the situation I’m dealing with, I do not like what happened. I am not OK with what transpired and surely won’t forget any time soon. That doesn’t mean it isn’t in my best interest to find some forgiveness in my heart and heal as quickly as possible. I’m a recovering alcoholic, which means I can have an obsession of the mind when something is troubling me. I’ve been coached over and over to let thoughts of what happened cross my mind but let them pass right on through.
Obsessing will make me angry again. Sometimes accepting something you don’t like involves thinking about it as little as possible until time heals the wounds, which it always does. As you ruminate over what happened, keep reminding yourself that you don’t have to be OK with what happened to forgive someone. And, remember that it’s hurt people who hurt other people.
The next step in how to forgive someone who hurt you is to decide how you want to move forward. Is this someone you want to forgive and move on with or is it time to let them go? Actions have consequences and you get to decide what those are. In my opinion, if trust is broken, that’s pretty hard to come back from. The good news with all of this is, you get to decide what is right for you moving forward.
Maybe someone can be forgiven but can’t be in your life anymore. While that hurts, it’s empowering to know someone who hurt you can’t do it again. If you want to reconcile with new boundaries, what a wonderful opportunity to try them out! Either way, our responsibility is to learn from these experiences not let them paralyze us.
Growing Up In Recovery After You Get Sober
What To Do When You Hate Being Sober
Sober Fun For The Spring
Check out my book 100
Tips For Growing Up
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