Are you in a toxic family dynamic without even knowing it? Where I grew up it was common for a girl to be raised to think of, and care for, The Other Person First.
Any other person. It didn’t matter whether the person you cared for was mean to you or hurt you. You had to be nice. It was the law. That is the core of the toxic family dynamic.
What Is A Toxic Family Dynamic
Were you raised with the unwritten law that you shouldn’t complain, argue, or use critical thinking to assess what is happening around you? It’s a tough law to follow if there are addicts in your life. This law of keeping quiet and picking up the slack of whatever needs to be done teaches you that your needs, wants, and feelings don’t count for much. If someone asked me how I was in the old days, I always said “fine.” My saying I was fine became a habit. I said it even when I wasn’t fine. I still say I'm fine, but now I’m not smothering the truth. I really am fine.
Do Your Family Members Feel They Have A License To Bully You
There can be bullying and manipulation in families without addiction. There is often a designated good girl, or boy, who picks up the check and the burdens in childhood and over the years. In families with addiction, however, relationships get distorted even more. Imagine a lifetime of guilt trips tripled. As addicts’ and alcoholics’ lives get more difficult to manage, they get used to asking for a lot from their loved ones, and expecting even more help. It’s not because they’re mean. It’s part of the disease. Life is falling apart. It's natural to turn to the people who serve as rocks and salvation. Those who might have been just plain old caretakers in run-of-the-mill complicated families can get lost in a perpetual dance of give and get taken when addiction becomes the new norm. Again, no judgment about people who struggle with addictions. Everyone plays a role in this toxic dynamic, and it’s hard to stop the cycle.
You Can Revoke The Bully License and Change Your Life
For a long time, all I wanted was peace. Just a few days of no arguments, of not being afraid of something else going wrong. You may recognize the phenomenon of longing for peace. You may also recognize the phenomenon that your help doesn’t seem to work, no matter how much you do. Turns out you just can’t fix anyone else’s problems. This is true in so-called “normal” families, too. A mother’s good intentions are not enough to help a teen have ambition or love life or stop doing dangerous things or stay in school. Love is not enough. Love is not enough to save marriages or stop loved ones from hurting themselves or even keep precarious relationships alive. With lots of help, I had to admit that was true. And I had to back off to let happen whatever would happen. I'm not God, after all, and don't have the power to make everything all right again. The truth is everyone needs the opportunity to fix him or herself. It may not seem like you’re giving a valuable gift when you set boundaries and lose loved ones, but it can work. Learning to care for myself without guilt, however, was altogether too hard a concept at first. I had always tried to do what was best for others. Now what?
Changing The Toxic Family Dynamic
In the cops they say what goes around, comes around. For me, the surprise of recovery came when I started feeling the peace, but realized that I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted anymore. Worse, I felt guilty even thinking about what I might need or want. It didn’t seem fair to think of me when others were struggling. The toxic family dynamic happens when you only think of others. Then you feel resentment when they don't love you back the way you want to be loved. I had to learn to ask for what I wanted, and be clear about it.
When You’re Happy Your Needs Are Satisfied
I need a rest. Or I need someone else to cook dinner. Or I need a quiet time. Or I can't talk to you now, pick you up from wherever you are, see to each any every one of your needs. When you can say these things, you will become you, even if you don't know who you are now. With the miracle of letting go of feelings of obligation toward everyone, others begin to change around you. It helps to believe in the change you want to see. But know that there may be some resistance (even a lot at first). Ignore it. You'll be fine.
Sometimes toxic families need professional help. Visit Recovery Guidance to find counselors near you.