Red flags are trending but do you know what they are and how they look?
I can’t tell you how many relationships I’ve been in where I saw red flags in someone’s behavior but looked the other way because, “I loved them,” or, “I know they’re trying…” Not good enough, turns out. I want to be in relationships with people who are mentally and emotionally healthy. At my age and time in life, I have no patience for anything else. So, if that’s where you are in life, here’s what to do.
Learn the signs, recognize the behavior and learn to make difference choices
I understand that one can ignore the red flags when you want a love connection or friendship to work. You may be waiting too long to accept a negative reality, hoping that your gut feelings are wrong about what’s really going on. You may have wishful thinking that the person you so want to love may change, or be different at heart. You may be really insecure about your own attractiveness. But, none of that is any real reason to accept less than what you are worth. If someone makes you feel bad or jealous or insecure, there’s a problem.
Relationship red flags may hide out under the surface, but can you accept them?
Everything may seem okay in a relationship, but secretly you have niggling feelings that you are not being treated with respect, or worse: someone is really hurting you. Sure, I know some couples (and families) who seem totally enlightened, supportive of each other, attractive, loving, living their best life, but what about the rest of us? How can we accept the truth about our relationships? This goes for all the relationships in our lives: our family, our co-workers and bosses, even our friends. Two big relationship red flags come with narcissists and toxic people. Who doesn’t have some of those in our lives?
What are some red flags in relationships
Maybe weโre divorced and hunting. Maybe weโve never met the right one. Maybe weโve found relationships, but theyโre far from perfect. Or maybe weโre in and out of relationships. Whatever the case, healthy relationships take work. They donโt fall into your lap, and they donโt flourish if you donโt nourish them. This is especially important for people who are recovering from substance or alcohol use disorder (addiction) or coping with mental illness. If you’re a people pleaser, you may give too much. If you’re a child of an alcoholic, you may have serious trust issues, and constantly run run away? What do you really need for a healthy relationship?
For myself, a person in recovery, there are all kinds of added issues in relationships. If Iโm having a totally honest moment, Iโll admit that serious, committed relationships can sometimes make me feel uncomfortable. So, I work at it.
Here are some questions Iโve learned to ask myself along the way that today help me determine if Iโm with the right person and if the relationship has sustainability.
1. Am I able to be myself with this person?
This is also known as, who am I bringing to the table in this relationship? The best version of myself? The grown-up who is smart, stable and responsible. Or, am I showing up as a different version of myself? And, if so, why? These are super important things to determine quickly because Iโve had relationships in the past where I knew I didnโt have to show up as my best self. Looking back I know why I did that and my motives were not solid. Itโs critical to sort my motives out early so I donโt find myself playing a part Iโll resent later.
2. Are there things about the person Iโm keeping a secret?
Sometimes it seems like the path of least resistance to keep something about the person youโre dating secret from friends, relatives, and sponsors because it may concern them, but you donโt think itโs a problem. Iโll speak for myselfโI was dating someone a while back who had one business venture in a drug business. I neglected to mention this because I knew my friends and family would frown. Turns out, it did make me uncomfortable, and after the relationship ended, I was relieved to not see drugs around the house. If Iโm keeping something a secret about the person Iโm dating, itโs a huge relationship red flag.
3. Does this person help me stay on the beam, or make me feel like Iโm going to fall off?
This is a tough one because sometimes the people we fall for arenโt the best for us. Someone once told me that real, sustainable loves happens with people you feel totally comfortable withโitโs easy from the start, it feels safe, and they donโt make you crazy. Iโm not embarrassed to admit Iโve fallen for the exciting, intoxicating kind of love, but it never lasts. Love at first fight, lust, whatever you want to call it rarely translates into a healthy, long-term relationship. Thatโs not to say it doesnโt happen. There are always exceptions to the rule. My experience has shown me that people who are exciting or intoxicating might be fun but rarely show up as the dependable partners we really need for a committed, long-term relationship. Shoot for people who help you stay on the beam, who understand and respect a recovery lifestyle and NEVER make you feel like you want to act out in a destructive, or self-destructive way to manage unmanageable feelings. People who truly love you wonโt make you feel awful.
4. Am I people-pleasing too soon?
The people-pleaser in me LOVES to accommodate. I sometimes find myself suggesting something that I donโt want to do before the sentence is even finished coming out of my mouth just because I think it will make the other person happy. Why do I do it? I donโt know!! But, I have to catch myself and step back. A friend recently told me, โYou can always change your mind.โ Great advice. When I find myself agreeing to plans that put me out, or I know I REALLY donโt want to do, I need to think about whatโs going on with my decision making. This is all about being authentic – with myself and the people I get involved with. Thatโs not to say we donโt do things for other people or go out of our way for the people we love. Iโm talking about something totally different here that involves doing things that donโt make sense because we may think theyโll come with some slap of approval.
Those are the big ones for me. If I’ve missed something you struggle with, please feel free to let me know!
More Relationship Articles To Read
Body Language โ So much information!
Do You Know The Signs Of Emotionally Unavailable People
10 Tips To Nurture Your Authentic Self
Why Do Narcissists Always Choose You?
Do You Know The Relationship Red Flags?
Do You Know The Signs Of A Toxic Relationship
Constantly Hurt Feelings Is A Form Of Relationship Manipulation
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