Being sober curious changed my whole life when I explored ways to support my child in recovery. Lindsey has been my inspiration for more than a decade since we produced The Secret World Of Recovery. and launched Reach Out Recovery as mother/daughter wellness advocates. Being healthy, we learned, is about more than being drug free.
When Lindsey went into recovery from pills and weed at the age of 21, I was told by professionals that I didn’t need to stop drinking or change any of my habits. I was told it was her job to resist drinking and using even if others around her were still enjoying their high(s) and partying. I was still having my martinis as I watched her struggle, and yes, she was very angry at me. It was a tough time, and neither of us liked the other very much.
Was the idea that I didn’t have to change fair? Was it reasonable? Does that method of family recovery even work? Actually, it doesn’t work. If a mom is smoking pot and having the martinis every night, the teen living with her will do the same. Sorry, but it’s a fact.
I know millions of moms who think their teens know the difference between being an adult and being a teen. In fact, few teens know that the teen brain isn’t ready for intoxicants. Teens think their brains are the same, and they won’t get into addictive behaviors if they experiment in high school. But teen brains are not fully developed until the age of 25. So, 15, 16, 18 and even 20 year-olds are at risk for addiction and risky behaviors. That should be a no brainer, and we should have more innovative prevention programs to help teens be safe.
Do you wonder what it would be like not to drink every day? I was a sober curious mom before it was a thing. It’s still not quite the thing for young mothers to give up the wine, beer, and margarita parties after they gave up drinking for 9 long gestation months.
Pregnant women want to have healthy babies and they give up the drink to have them. Sober with honor. But what about having healthy children, and more important, healthy tweens and teens? Would you give up drinking to save your children then? Alcohol free parenting is a new idea. It certainly never occurred to me.
I thought having my cocktail every single night no matter what was my right as an adult. And of course every adult has the right and freedom do do what they think is right for them. But I didn’t realize that children copy their parents and want to do whatever their parents do as soon as they possibly can. That means if you smoke pot, they will smoke pot. If you drink, they will drink. If you use other drugs, they will, too. Kids are copycats. That’s how they learn and grow.
My teens’ substance and alcohol use changed my life forever. If you’re a parent coping with teen substance and alcohol experimentation, you know what I mean. Are you angry, sad, scared, and hurt by the lying and covering up? Are you afraid every time your child leaves the house? I didn’t know what to do. That was 20 years ago. Sadly, most parents today still don’t know what to do.
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Sober Curious: You Can’t Negotiate Your Way Out Of Teen Substance Use
Lesson number one for me was that If you know your teen is using, you can’t do things the same old way and expect a miracle. You can’t yell, scream, plead, argue, negotiate or bribe your way out of teen use. You can’t have a drink or a joint in your hand and tell your kid not to do as you do. You have to do something different. For me it meant changing myself. And I stopped drinking.
When recovery began to work for my loved one, I wanted to know what it feels like to give up the thing you love the most. I wanted to see what it was like to be sober in a drinking world. I’m not going to lie. It’s not good being sober, at first. No wine tastings, no martini bars, no cocktail parties. No noisy celebrations. People hearing my drink order for the first time often said, “you’re no fun.” In fact, I was more fun. Nearly 15 years later people still ask me why I don’t drink.
Guess what? People with denial about alcohol are the no-fun ones. Lesson number two for me was that if family members or friends aren’t all on board for taking recovery steps early on, you might have to detach from them for a time, or forever.
I heard from someone yesterday who was deeply angry that her son, sober since July, relapsed on a family outing to a winery in August. Everyone stopped at two or three, but he didn’t stop drinking all night and didn’t come home until the next day.
Maybe it’s the wish to have life return to what it was before addiction that motivates families to carry on as before and then become angry when recovery fails. If you’re a parent who wants your child to succeed, you can support that loved one by avoiding outings that center around drinking. And maybe you just don’t drink at all.
One thing this formerly sober curious mom knows for sure. Recovery can’t happen with the addict alone, it has to include the family, community, and, yes, a nationwide effort to make recovery comfortable for every hero who attempts it. Sober since August 25, 2008, I’d like salute all those who support recovery with all their hearts and souls, and with their actions.
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