When Family Estrangement Hurts

Family Estrangement: Keeping Secrets That Hurt

Family estrangement comes in many forms, and it always feels terrible. Often we don’t even know where it started or have different memories about what happened. For example, I have never met thousands of relatives on my father’s side because of estrangement that began before I was even born. I don’t know why or how it happened that my little family of origin did not participate in half of my extended family’s events. I’m sure they’re all lovely people.

I do know why I’m estranged from my brother, who swore me to secrecy about why I can’t be with him. “Don’t write about me,” he insisted years ago after after writing that he hoped I’d roast in hell. I still have a ways to go before that wish will be tested. Let’s just say he’s never been a friend. I don’t know about you, but I was taught if you can’t be nice, be quiet. What do you think about keeping secrets and nursing grievances? Are you a grudge holder, or forgiver? You can read more about it in our book. And please do. It’s an easy read, and you’ll learn a lot.

Lindsey and I, mother and daughter authors on our book tour this spring for The Mother Daughter Relationship Makeover, got a lot of questions about family estrangement and grudge holding. Some interviewers told us they were haunted by family estrangements not just from their moms or dad, but also from siblings, cousins, stepchildren, and their own children. We hear you.

Family Estrangement Can Make You Mean

Haunted is a good word for the feeling of separation, because for most of us it hurts to be on bad terms with people we want to love. Having grievances also hurts. It’s bad for your health because negative thoughts are reflected in your mood, your outlook on life, and your body. Yes, and worse, your brain function can be altered when having grievances is your thing. If you’re always getting triggered and feeling angry, you’re producing cortisol, the feel bad hormone. It affects your whole life.

Do You Have To Have Family Estrangement

All everyone wants is to love and be loved. We’re just like dogs that way. It’s human to want warmth and to go where it’s warm, so putting distance between you and toxic relatives is not a bad plan. But what if they’re not really toxic and you can get over the mad. You might consider whether the loved ones you exclude deserve abandonment. Think about it from their side.

Can You Restore The Warmth For Someone You Miss

Can you find a new perspective? Can you remember good times? Lindsey and I were estranged for four bitter years. It taught us a great deal about ourselves, about negative obsessions, about empathy and forgiveness. We created some tools for ourselves to reconcile safely. We wrote a book to help others consider bringing back the warmth.