First of all. What’s a graylock? If you’re wondering, it’s not a the misspelling of a warlock (male witch) or something you find outside on mountain path. Grarocking is technique to bore your narcissist out of tormenting you. Do you have a narcissist in your life? Then you know that his/her goal in life is to glorify himself and denigrate you. Here’s the difference between a narcissist and a covert narcissist.
Covert narcissism is a form of narcissistic personality disorder that is characterized by a subtle, yet toxic form of self-absorption. Unlike overt narcissists, who are grandiose, attention-seeking, and boastful, covert narcissists are more introverted, reserved, and passive-aggressive in their behavior.
Covert narcissists have a habit of belittling or devaluing others to inflate their own ego. This behavior can harm the self-esteem of those around them. A covert narcissist might consistently point out your mistakes in front of others, making disparaging comments about your skills or character.
The torment manifests itself in so many ways. A person with NPD (narcissist personality disorder) will rope you in with love and kindness and attention. And then begin to shut you off and shut you down by gaslighting you, lying to you and others about you and confusing you with hot and cold behavior. Suddenly you don’t know who you are or what your value is. Your narcissist can be someone you grew up with like your mom, your sister, or another family member. Or it can be a friend, lover or spouse. Covert narcissists may not know they have the disorder because they are passive aggressive, not outright aggressive.
It makes a narcissist of any kind feel better to manipulate and control your feelings and actions. I’ve lived with, and among, many narcissists and covert narcissists in my time, and I know they can be soul crushing. Usually, you try to argue and fight back, and use reason to improve your relationship. But that never works. The narcissist relies on your being engaged, hysterical, upset, confused. Oh my. It’s torture trying to negotiate even the tiniest issues. And you’re never ever going to win.
The graylock tactic includes limiting emotional responses, avoiding eye contact, and removing yourself from situations whenever it’s possible to do so. The theory is that when a toxic person sees you as a boring, uninteresting, grey rock, they may eventually lose interest in tormenting you. The goal is to cut off a person’s “narcissistic supply,” which is getting the upper hand, making you cry, getting you to succumb.
If your narcissist gaslights you by telling you something didn’t happen that you know happened, you shrug and walk out of the room. By non engaging, your narcissist is forced to follow you and try again. Don’t look at him. Be interested in something else. Take a bathroom break. Seriously, non engagement in him/her means engaging in something else.
If your narcissist lies to you, don’t look at him. Don’t respond. Or if you have to respond, be vague, turn away. You have the power not to react. Go back to a chore, or a book. This is tough to do if you want to prove you’re right. But you can’t prove you’re right. So understand you don’t have to. You’re taking the air out of his/her balloon.
Sadly you get an adrenalin charge from the rage at being hurt, humiliated or challenged. The need to defend yourself is a flight or fight trauma reaction. Here you get a cortisol (the stress hormone) buildup that is detrimental to your health in a number of ways. It’s easy to advise you to detach yourself from those rage feelings of being unfairly treated, but detachment is a great tool for shutting your adversary down. Detaching can be done by positive self talk that creates a new reality for yourself. Positive affirmations begin to change your thinking around what’s happening to you.
If you are in a dangerous situation, reach out to friends, family, or National Domestic Violence Hotline: Domestic Violence Support
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