Let’s be honest, if you’ve been in your relationship for more than a couple of years, it’s safe to assume the bloom is off the rose. We all become real people in time. It’s impossible to always look good, feel good, act accordingly, and relationships can be tough in the best of times. For many, the last few years have included the worst of times. But, sometimes in that comfortability with someone, we forget to do the basic affirming things, or maybe we never did at all. Either way, if you’re in a place where you feel like your relationship could use a little love and tenderness, I have suggestions that might help. They are simple things you can try today and they do make a difference.
Are you good at communicating in your relationship? If so, bravo! That is an incredible skill and I applaud you. Many people struggle to share their innermost thoughts, especially if they think they won’t be well received. For example, if telling your partner your concerns will get an angry or, “You’re crazy,” answer then that might not seem like something you want to do. However, as we grow in our recovery, it is necessary to find words to help communicate what is going on with us. Hopefully, you can find a safe space to share your feelings with your partner and let your needs be known. Remember, we go into recovery to make sure we get all of our needs met–emotional, physical, and spiritual.
When was the last time you received or gave a compliment? Compliments are easy, cost nothing, and can be absolutely genuine if you put a little thought into them. If your partner is well-dressed, tell them. If they’ve had a good day or a success in life, congratulate them and affirm their hard work. If they’ve had a bad day or something did not go well, this is an especially good time to give a thoughtful compliment and make someone feel better. Highlight their strengths and remind them how much they mean to you.
This is not about whether you have an exciting sex life. This is about hugs or pats on the back or any way you feel comfortable giving your partner a little physical connection to remind them they are loved. We all want and need to feel loved and sometimes in the hustle and bustle, or in the tougher times in a relationship, it’s easy to breeze by each other and not stop for a hug. So, take 15 seconds to give someone the gift of touch.
The funny thing is, for most people, showing you care doesn’t take a lot. Remembering a sweet they like and bringing it home, a favorite restaurant, flowers, or even walking the dogs. Take a moment and think about one thing you could do to make your partner’s life easier. What would it look like if once a week you did something that would surprise your partner in a positive way? I’m telling you, it’s the little things when it comes to our personal relationships.
This is another one where the focus is not on putting on some major production or spending money, but on spending quality time together. We all get busy, especially if there are children to look after and care for, but that’s even more reason to schedule quality time. These are also good opportunities to come to your partner with things that are on your mind, but the advice given to me included looking at any problems from the pov of the couple. No blame, no judging, just hey, how can we do x, y, or z better together?
Do you like it when people bring up your past digressions? No, no one does. No relationship benefits from dragging up the past all the time. If you find that you can’t give up resentments from the past, you might want to work on that with someone who can help you let go of whatever’s happened so you can move forward. We’re all human and screw up sometimes. In some cases, we’re forgiving (or being forgiven) for a big transgression that still hurts. In my opinion, the issue isn’t what’s happened but do you both want to move forward together, and if so, how to do that in the healthiest way possible.
Life is long and relationships get challenged by everything–kids, family, work, other people, religions, money, you name it. I believe in forgiveness whenever possible, as long as there is no destructive behavior or abuse and I believe in personal growth as the answer to most things. That means, instead of pointing the finger at someone else for where they are failing, consider how can you do better? Set an example, be the higher ground, you’ll feel better in the end for good behavior on your part. Try a few of these simple tips and see if they help. They have for us.
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