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Do you need some help in how to communicate better?

Good communication skills are absolutely key to a happy, healthy life. If you want to communicate better, you have to follow a few rules. You’re probably pretty set in your ways when it comes to relating with other people. Do you feel no one listens to you? Are you overwhelmed by negative responses to your feelings and needs? Are you aware of how you sound to other people? Maybe your form of communication needs tweaking.

The important thing is not to give up and give in. The world revolves around words, and the distinctions in language really matters. Communication, therefore, is an access to power and when it’s based on being right or fixing someone, it has a certain quality to it. Being committed to communication requires that you be present in the conversation outside of past experiences that may color the way a word is spoken or heard.

What does unhealthy communication sound like

Have you ever been in a conversation when you’ve thought you’ve heard this before?  You begin to formulate a reply even before your partner has finished speaking because you are certain of what s/he is about to say next. You have zoned out and are thinking, “blah, blah, blah”; you are not present to the conversation at all, in fact, you are waiting to jump in and to get your point across. This is an early warning sign of “No communication.” Wonder what it sounds like to argue with a narcissist?

Do you have to give something up to communicate better

To access the power of  healthy communication  means really listening and being present to what your partner is saying. Instead of drafting a reply or of a snappy comeback. When communication is important in a relationship, the question becomes what do you have to give up in order to really hear what your partner is saying?

  1. Are you trying to get your point across because you have to be right?
  2. Are you holding a grudge from something that happened in the past?
  3. Are you not acknowledging or accepting what is true for her/him?
  4. Could you be trying to steer the conversation in the direction of your thinly veiled attempt to “fix” your partner?

Are you willing to give that up in order to truly communicate in your relationship?

Communication habits can nurture or destroy relationships

If you find yourself trying to get your point across over and over again to your partner, it’s a pattern for you. It can feel abusive. Patterns are no longer about the issue. Rather, the issue becomes that you’re not communicating your feelings in a manner that your partner is hearing. This is a dilemma because it’s about you, and not your partner. To break the pattern, you must change your communication habit. Otherwise, you continue to perpetuate the issue and not solve it every time you have that same conversation, and every time you raise your voice in your attempt to get your point across.

When your motive is not to communicate better but rather to win your result will be negative

Conversation is not a contest if someone contradicts us. By taking the stance that you are right and that your partner is wrong or the one to blame for not understanding, you run the risk of alienating him/her in the relationship. When your motivation is negative, the chance of a positive result is minimal. Blame and judgment never reach the goal of conveying the reality we are attempting to communicate. They only serve to push a wedge between people who are trying to relate to one another.

If you want to communicate better you need to be able to say I hear and understand you and mean it

Coming to a conversation from a place of acknowledgement opens up an entirely new possibility for you and your partner. There is an abundance of things in which you can acknowledge your partner for. Practice acknowledgement for the peace and harmony you desire in your relationships. You may try saying, “You might be right,” a tip from 100 Tips For Growing Up.

Better communication means really wanting to hear the other side

Start by listening for what your partner wants to be acknowledged for, and then acknowledge them for that.Take some inspired action to your next conversation and acknowledge your partner for something, be sure to include how grateful you are for their having done so…. and then lean back and observe where that conversation takes your communication and your relationship.


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Elizabeth Viszt
Elizabeth is a certified Educational Specialist and Success Coach. She has a BA, MS in biology with a concentration in ethology (animal behavior), is an EAGALA Equine Specialist in equine assisted learning and personal development, and has extensive personal leadership skills. She spent much of her career in education at the high school, college and correctional facility levels teaching biology & chemistry and acting in the capacity of a success coach. Elizabeth presents workshops and seminars which address communication issues as they manifest in personal relationships. She uses writing as both a creative and cathartic outlet, especially after losing both of her parents to cancer in 2015. She lives in upstate NY, on a farm that bears the name of her motto: Be Unreasonable! She's invested in empowering others in moving their pieces forward in the world.

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