How To Stop Fighting With Your Mom

You Can Stop Fighting With Your Mom

Yes, you really can stop fighting with your mom. I may not seem possible right now. I was once in a place where I couldn’t be in the same room with my mom without raging at her. And her raging at me. We separated for four years and then restored our relationship. It was the best recovery of my life.

I am well aware that most people do not get this gift in life—to live to see their family go from dysfunctional family to functional family. I don’t take it lightly that we found ourselves here, but that’s the point. We didn’t find ourselves restored. We all individually got help, some of us went to great lengths to get better. Therapy, rehab, support groups, 12 step, yoga, meditation, spiritual cleansing, silent retreats—between the group of us we’ve tried a lot.

If I thought it was safe, I’d go on a vision quest or try unusual mental health treatments. But, at my age, I don’t need to try everything once anymore. Thank God for the small things. And, people do change. That’s on the record.

How To Stop Fighting With Your Mom

Well, it’s not a one size fits all solution. Every family is different. Certain kinds of abuse and trauma are harder to get over than others. There are lines that were not crossed in our family and for that I’m grateful. Verbal and emotional were our daggers of choice. At times, indifference and resentment, and then of course there’s the addiction aspect. When you have more than one person in the family with an addiction disorder or mental health issue, things get trickier and tricker.

That’s why, in my case, and what I recommend is to take care of yourself and set an example. That’s the best thing you can do. What did I do? I detached and moved away. I worked on myself. I felt strong enough to reconnect four years later. Then I wrote a book about it.

You Can Stop Fighting With Your Mom By Moving Away

That’s what I needed. You may not be in that an extreme situation. I found myself at an adult age with feelings and circumstances that were not right. I don’t know how else to describe it except to say, I was inconsolably upset, I was angry, I had made financial and emotional mistakes. I was divorced and had a broken-heart for the second time in less than a decade.

I had relapsed, had an emotional breakdown, spinal surgery, and literally did not know who I was or what I wanted. So, I left NYC and moved to Los Angeles with one suitcase and moved into a furnished Air Bnb and that was the beginning of adulthood for me.

Stop Fighting With Your Mom By Becoming An Adult

I wasn’t magically an adult after college, or even when I got married or divorced. It started in my 30s when I left my hometown, my parent’s homes, the family company, and credit cards. I lived quietly, got more therapy, and went to all the programs I was told to go to. There were a lot and it was a humbling. I took jobs because I had to pay bills and pay off debt. I was 30 something and I had never had to do that before. Life gets real when you have to pay bills and try to live in a way you’ve become accustomed to on your own!

Stop Fighting With Your Mom and

But, here’s the secret, in those years everyone did their own work and lived their own lives and guess what? When you stop the pattern of chaos and drama for yourself and others, everyone gets better. No one was allowed to call me with drama and I sure as shit was not allowed to call home and bring my crazy to them. It was time for me to be responsible for myself and my own wellness and happiness. I wrote 100 Tips For Growing Up because it truly is the roadmap I used over the last 20 years. Here’s the thing, looking back, it was hard but not impossible. You have to be open to thinking differently and it’s critical to do what the people who are trying to help you tell you to do. I did the work and I got better. But, you do not need to be a genius to do this work. You only have to want something different for yourself.

Stop Fighting With Your Mom For A Happier Life

The point is you’ll get better and have a nicer life either way. If the family can see their part, and get some help, then you may have the ability to be together in a healthy way. It happened to us.