Let me begin with that so we all know we’re on the same page. I’m not judging myself or anyone else. But, after making a few of these mistakes again, I took time to reflect on why it’s so easy to make these fumbles and how to avoid them in the future.
I’m the queen of thinking if I can just get through to someone in the right way, they will understand where I’m coming from and meet me halfway. Yea, not always. If you have told your partner multiple times about your needs and they do not make any changes to meet them, they probably won’t ever.
How many times I’ve begged someone to understand my feelings and waited for the light to come into their eyes and it never did. Don’t bother after a few tries. They either can’t or won’t do it and continuing to ask is a waste of time. People have to really want to change to make it happen. You know when someone is trying and you know when someone isn’t. Let the ones who won’t even try go. Even better, get to know whether someone is capable of being who you need them to be before committing your heart and time.
I come from a time and place where it was encouraged to keep your feelings to yourself. Especially, when they are negative. Feel bad about something someone did or said? Stuff it down. But, this is not useful for adult, personal relationships. It can set up a cycle of one person continuously feeling bad and being unable to express it in a healthy way. That is until it builds up and explodes.
If you are in a relationship with someone who doesn’t make you feel safe to express yourself, or punishes you for expressing yourself, that is a problem that doesn’t get better. If you hold your feelings in, it may be beneficial to journal from time to time to get clarity on what’s going on and it may help you to share your feelings when you are ready.
If you have any history of codependency, it is super easy to put others’ needs in front of your own. I tend to get involved with people who have strong personalities. That’s both good and bad. If it’s a healthy person, they know how to be involved with another person without dominating. If it’s an unhealthy person, they will dominate and it’s hard not to become a second-class citizen in your own home.
Once you’ve been reduced to rubble by a dominator, you’re struggling just to keep your head above water. This is a bad scenario where basic self-care and self-esteem are lost. If you have a personality like mine, it’s absolutely critical to screen who you give your heart to because not everyone is going to treat it with the care it deserves.
I think the trick to finding a good partner is giving it time. We’re all so rushed because of what society tells us we should be doing it’s easy to push for commitment before you know who people really are. But, in a time when 50% of marriages end in divorce and relationship abuse is absolutely rampant, I believe it’s worth waiting for someone who is truly who you need them to be.
The truth is, a healthy, kind partner shouldn’t make you afraid to share your feelings or be yourself. They will welcome that dialogue. Someone who is angered by your feelings or needs is not a real partner. Us ladies in recovery need to be very careful about who we let into our lives. For me, there is no room anymore for anyone who is dysfunctional or emotionally unwell. It’s a deal breaker and I hope you get there too.
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