Why Forgiveness Isn’t the First Step — and What To Do Instead

If you come from a situation like mine, you’ve heard this a million times, “You just need to forgive.” It’s offered up casually like a cure-all, a magic step that will somehow erase years of hurt. But if you’ve ever been on the receiving end of deep emotional wounds—especially in a complicated mother-daughter relationship—you know forgiveness doesn’t work like that. Forgiveness is complicated and takes time and work. In fact, pushing for forgiveness too soon can backfire, leaving you feeling even more unseen, invalidated, or pressured.

Forgiveness Isn’t The Priority

The truth is this: forgiveness is not the first step. Healing is. Before you can release resentment or offer compassion, you have to take care of yourself. That means slowing down, acknowledging the pain, and giving yourself permission to feel what you feel without judgment. Then comes some work around understanding what happened and why. There are so many factors that are involved in a family breakdown. What are your mom’s issues? What are yours? How did they come to pass? All of these need to be considered. And, then, you need time to work on yourself, heal, and learn to love your life.

Believe me, forgiveness is easier when you’re happy.

Trying to skip straight to forgiveness is like slapping a bandage on a wound that hasn’t been cleaned—you might cover it up, but it won’t truly heal. So, what can you do instead?

What To Do Before Forgiveness

• Practice self-care that’s more than surface-level. True self-care isn’t just bubble baths and candles (though those can help). It’s about setting boundaries, saying no when you need to, and creating safe spaces for yourself emotionally and physically. It can also include physical therapy, emotional therapy, financial learning, and anything that will improve your life and wellbeing.

• Build understanding—of yourself first. Before you can understand your mother, you need to recognize your own triggers, patterns, and needs. Journaling and reflection are powerful tools for uncovering the deeper story you’ve carried. Find out what your personality style is, your emotional style, what kinds of trauma you may have experienced and how that’s all playing into your life today.

• Find joy in small, daily ways. This is crucial. You need to feel good and happy sometimes–even if it’s hard, even for just a few minutes. Try reconnecting with activities that make you feel alive—whether it’s walking outside, painting, cooking, or listening to music—reminds you that you are more than your wounds. Joy is medicine, and you don’t have to wait until everything is “fixed” to invite it back. Play with animals, drive to nature, find connection with people who care about you and understand.

• Redefine connection. Healing doesn’t always mean reconciliation. Sometimes it means learning to relate differently, lowering expectations, or even creating space. Connection can begin with healthier conversations or simply with choosing peace for yourself. One of the many things I write about in mother-daughter healing is, what kind of relationship do you want moving forward, if any? And, are there other people in your life who can act as replacements so you don’t feel so alone?

Here’s the thing. When the pressure to forgive is lifted, something remarkable happens: space opens for real transformation. You can focus on healing step by step, tending to your own well-being, and gradually shifting the relationship dynamic in ways that feel authentic and safe. Forgiveness may come later—or it may not look the way you thought it would. Either way, you’ll be building strength, self-respect, and a new vision for what love can be.

That’s the work we dive into in The Mother-Daughter Relationship Makeover Workbook for Lasting Change. This workbook is not about rushing to forgive. It’s about exploring healthier communication, rewriting old scripts, and practicing exercises that guide you toward clarity, peace, and joy. By putting healing first, you set the foundation for whatever comes next—whether that includes forgiveness or simply a new chapter for yourself.

Because sometimes, the bravest thing you can do for your relationship—and for your own heart—is to stop forcing forgiveness and start building the life you deserve.