First, let me ask you a question. Do you think you self-sabotage? OK, another question, do you know all the ways self-sabotage can manifest? Personally, I didn’t think I engaged in any real self-sabotage because I imagined self-sabotaging as far more egregious than it actually has to be. I thought it was something like drinking the night before a big presentation and being too hungover to get there the next day. In reality, it can be far more subtle and insidious but still do serious damage. There’s so much in our behaviors that qualify as self-sabotaging that it’s worth investigating what it is and why people do it. Especially, if you want to work on self-improvement this year.
Tripping yourself up when you really want something is normal, and most everyone engages in some form of it in their lifetime. For example, do you experience fear of success or think you don’t deserve to get the brass ring? The trick is to identify that you are ambivalent or fearful or lack self-esteem just at the moment you need the confidence to shine. If you notice the behaviors and consequences, you can learn to turn your self-talk around and make better choices.
Basically, it’s behavior that hurts you and subtly, or not so subtly, prevents you from reaching your goals, or attracting the things and relationships you think you want. For example, perfectionism, procrastination, self-criticism, poor self-care, and drug or alcohol abuse. These behaviors can cause trouble with family, personal relationships, work, finances, and more.
You may fight with someone or cause drama out of insecurity and in turn, it eventually causes people to get frustrated with you. Are you unaware that you’re doing it to self-sabotage? Every time someone disappoints you, you may think it’s more evidence that you are unlikeable. Thus, fulfilling the cycle that you’re a mess. Maybe you don’t take good care of yourself and because of that, romantic relationships don’t work out. You don’t take care of yourself because you don’t think it will help. Then your partner leaves and you’re convinced you are not good enough, completing the self-sabotage circle. Bad partner choices, picking fights, and putting yourself down, these are all forms of self-sabotage.
In layman’s terms, because deep down you don’t think you’re good enough. You might have been raised with abuse or have low self-esteem and subconsciously engage in behaviors that will reinforce this inner belief. It comes down to distorted beliefs about yourself. If you don’t think you’re capable or worthy, then all this dysfunctional behavior at work and home will cause consequences that reinforce your beliefs.
The absolute first thing you can do to help yourself stop self-sabotaging behavior is to figure out which behaviors you engage in that are destructive. Information is power and once You see what you’re doing and how it affects your life, you’re more apt to stop it. So, pay attention to what makes you uncomfortable. Do you tend to leave relationships when people get too close? Are you a micromanager of everyone at work because you think you can do it better? Do you pick fights with loved ones and then feel terrible about it? Recognize the signs!
The second thing to do once you’ve identified the behavior is to look at what sets it off. What are the triggers that make you react badly? Maybe a tone in someone’s voice triggers you back to being yelled at as a child. Maybe seeing a partner smile at their phone makes you believe they are cheating if someone has been unfaithful to you before. Boredom and discomfort are huge triggers for many people too. Try keeping a journal to see if there are patterns around the triggers or times of the year.
Next, determine if the situation requires help. There are plenty of people who seek therapy for self-sabotaging if they struggle with quitting the behaviors. Even if professional help isn’t the answer, having someone you can talk to (who understands) is incredibly helpful and will keep you from feeling alone with this. Getting comfortable with being uncomfortable is a big part of recovery, so the sooner you start practicing sitting in those feelings, the better.
Finally, knowing what you want in life and having clear goals and progress points will help chart the way. Sometimes vagueness in itself is a form of self-sabotage. Paint a clear picture of what you want for your career, relationships, home life, and whatever else comes up for you. To wrap-up, self-sabotage needs addressing. Examine your behavior, make changes where you can, minimize triggers and give yourself a clear pathway to follow. Good luck and go follow your friggin’ dreams.
Take this test from Psychology Today to see if you engage in any self-sabotaging behavior.
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